White Collar - "The Secret Of Hubert Pretzelman"

[tj_teejay]

Title: The Secret Of Hubert Pretzelman
Authors: afiawri  & tj_teejay  
Genre: Gen
Characters/Pairings: Neal, Peter, Diana, Jones
Rating: PG
Summary: The cat is out of the bag. Neal Caffrey is really called Hubert Pretzelman. Now you'll get to find out why.
Author's Note: This is a follow-up to my drabble "Best Guarded Secret" (I strongly recommended to read it, otherwise this probably won't make sense). A few people asked me to also write Neal's 'explaining', and I couldn't resist. Most of the dialogue is afiawri's original reponse to my challenge to write a drabble about Hubert Pretzelman. Of course I'm posting this with her permission. I guess this also kinda explains why Peter couldn't find any information about Neal from before his 18th birthday. And now... enjoy the story of Hubert Pretzelman.
Also, thanks for the quick beta-read, afiawri!
Disclaimer: White Collar, its characters and its settings belong to Jeff Eastin and USA Network. And, guys? Your characters are not only welcome, they're wonderful. I'm just borrowing, I promise.

 

+-+-+-+-+

Files were strewn on the conference table, Diana's eyes were glued to an article about their intended target. Peter was leafing through credit card receipts and phone logs, but his mind was elsewhere. He couldn't wrap his head around what had just transpired.

Neal Caffrey had conned them again. Peter would have to lie, however, if he hadn't taken a kind of twisted pleasure in the look on Neal's face upon entering the White Collar office and seeing his parents there.

Neal had given Peter a pleading look (one that screamed Help me!), but Peter had just given him a good natured clap on the shoulder and told him to go take his parents out for coffee or something. Neal hadn't been seen since.

Now, over an hour later, Peter saw Neal entering the glass doors to the bullpen. Alone. He came walking straight into the conference room.

Peter smiled a wistful, somewhat mischievous smile. No one but him and Bottler knew yet, though there had been whispered rumors going around. This would be fun.

"The prodigal son returns," Peter quipped. "So..."

"Don't, Peter," Neal said threateningly.

"Hubert..." Peter teased.

"I'm serious, don't you—" Neal's eyes spelled if looks could kill.

Diana glanced between them. "Hubert?"

"... Pretzelman," Peter finished.

Diana looked at them blankly for a moment. "Our susp—? Oh." A wide grin blossomed over her face.

And then, unbelievably, Jones was blowing in with a file, "Peter we have to—"

Peter was still grinning stupidly. "Jones, meet—"

"Peter!" Neal cut in.

Diana finished for him, "Hubert Pretzelman."

"That's a really horrible choice for an alias," Jones said, quite serious.

Neal winced. This was going to be a nightmare. "Or for a child."

"I thought the guy's name—"

"We all thought his name was Neal," Diana said pointedly.

"Oh." Jones looked at Neal as though assessing whether the name would just slip off him like so much water on a duck. "Hubert Pretzelman?"

"Yeah."

Jones shrugged. "Sounds very 20's. Fits."

"Fits?" Neal asked incredulously. "Fits?! Seriously?! It is the dorkiest, most ridiculous name out there on the planet!"

"Which is why you're now going by Neal Caffrey?" Peter asked.

Neal sighed. "Would you want to be called Hubert Pretzelman?"

Peter shrugged. "I like Peter Burke just fine."

"Yeah," Neal sighed again, "So would I. Anything but—"

"Hubert Pretzelman," Jones cut in, now grinning too. He looked at Peter and Diana in turn, then at Neal. "So, what are we supposed to call you now? Huby? Bert? Bertie?"

Neal glowered at them. "Don't you dare!"

Peter sobered for a moment. "So, just how legitimate an alias is Neal Caffrey? Do we need to look into social security fraud here? Passport forgery? Maybe a little identity theft?"

"No, Peter, it's not like that. It's all legal, I swear. My mother's maiden name is Caffrey. Neal is my middle name. I had it changed and registered. You can check with the authorities in Spring, Texas."

Diana muttered under her breath, "Hubert Neal Caffrey-Pretzelman. Nice."

"Wait a minute," Peter asked, now curious. "You grew up in Texas? How come you don't have an accent?"

It was then that Neal put on his best native Texan accent, "Well, y'all ain't gonna believe that there's sump'n called speech trainin'."

It left the three FBI agents open-mouthed and speechless.

+-+-+-+-+

THE END.

Comments

[deepbluemermaid.livejournal.com]

Hee! I love that you bring in Matt's natural accent at the end - that's an awesome way to finish it :)

[tj-teejay.livejournal.com]

I know! I just couldn't resist. :o)

[ultracape.livejournal.com]

Very funny, poor Huey. One wonders if there's a Duey and Louie. (If you don't know who they are then you're education is lacking the a proper knowledge of the classics."

[tj-teejay.livejournal.com]

Yes, I lack the proper knowledge of the classics. And I'm aware of it (and not ashamed). :-P Never been much into older movies. I sure ain't no Kate.

[afiawri.livejournal.com]

I think you can be excused for not knowing some ducks. (But it would be quite amusing to those of us who grew up on those cartoons if Neal were to have siblings, I think!)

[tj-teejay.livejournal.com]

And they would be called Hobart, Hezekiah and Horace.

And if this was a children's cartoon, then I'm perfectly excused. While we have those in Germany too, they weren't the same as those shown in the US. Sure, we had Tom & Jerry too, and a German version of Sesame Street, but I think there was a lot of non-American stuff too. Wish I could remember more specifics... *sigh*

[afiawri.livejournal.com]

Tom and Jerry, huh? That wouldn't have been my first guess for a cartoon shown in Germany, but I suppose with the near-complete lack of dialogue, that makes more than a little sense.
If memory serves, the ducks were a v. American cartoon that would not have translated across cultures well, but I was not a huge fan so... yep, remembering specifics would be nice.

[swanpride.livejournal.com]

Everything Disney got translated for Germany sooner or later, but not always with the same Names. Huey, Duey and Louie are named Tick, Trick and Track in Germany. And Donald Duck is very popular here...I remember when he became 50, they even made a special TV show to celebrate it.

[swanpride.livejournal.com]

Ich bin mir nicht sicher, ob du scherzt, aber für den fall eines Falles: Huey, Duey and Louie sind die originalnamen von Tick, Trick und Track. (Dagobert Duck heißt im Original "Scrouge", Chip und Chap: Chip and Dale, Kater Karlo: Pete usw.)

[tj-teejay.livejournal.com]

Nein, hab nicht gescherzt. Woher soll ich denn wissen, wie Tick, Trick und Track im Original heißen??? Damals konnte ich noch kein Englisch. Bin eh nicht son Cartoon Fan, von daher schäme ich mich auch nicht. :o)

[swanpride.livejournal.com]

Musst du auch nicht, es ist ja nicht jeder ein fanatischer Disney Fan. Aber ich gehe mal davon aus, dass auch ein Nicht-Cartoon-Fan (bin ich übrigens auch nicht, ausgenommen Asterix - aber die Geschichten sind auch nicht mehr, was sie einmal waren - seufz) irgendwann mal in der Kindheit ein lustiges Taschenbuch gelesen hat.

[ginnyvos.livejournal.com]

*laughs* I didn't get the reference either... In the Netherlands they're called Kwik, Kwek and Kwak. Weird, how you never think of the fact that those childhood figures might be called different in other languages (and yes, being Dutch, I can actually read and understand German pretty well, so I know what you were writing :P)

[sg-lab.livejournal.com]

LOL, this was really funny. It reminds me of an episode of the 80's show Night Court where suffisticated prosecutor Dan Fielding's dirt farmer parents showed up on day revealing Dan's real name as something equally embarrassing. Can't remember what it was now.

[tj-teejay.livejournal.com]

Never seen that show, so I can't tell you either. Thanks for the comment, though.

Too cute

[ursula4x.livejournal.com]

That was adorable. Just made me smile the entire story.

Re: Too cute

[tj-teejay.livejournal.com]

Hee, glad to have put a smile on your face.

[kriadydragon.livejournal.com]

That was great! :D I'd say poor Neal but I loved the way he kept surprising the team, especially with that last bit :D

[tj-teejay.livejournal.com]

Hehe. Peter and the gang will never let this go. So poor Neal indeed. But Neal always has something up his sleeve...

[saphirablue]

You wrote a sequel! \o/

I would have changed my name too, Neal, I understand you! :)

Thank you! :)

[tj-teejay.livejournal.com]

Yep, we wrote a sequel. Some more folks asked for it on fanfiction.net, so I obliged. Glad you like. :o)

[damietta.livejournal.com]

How fun!

And Matt's accent slipping in like in the outtakes when he says it's in the back and Willie things he says its in my bag. LOL!

[tj-teejay.livejournal.com]

Is that what he says? I never understood that part of the outtakes. I love his accent, even though I'm not usually much of a fan of southern American accents. But on Matt it just sounds good. Wish they'd write something where he could really let go and use it full force. You know, for an alias or something.

[afiawri.livejournal.com]

Like just about everyone else, I adore to death Matt's RL- accent here!
And I'd also like to point out that I love that you gave Jones a little life and Neal's reaction more oomph than I had.

[tj-teejay.livejournal.com]

Yay RL accent!! We need to hear more of it! Glad I managed to spruce up the story a little. And thank you for posting the first snippets in that other entry. (You should have used the hubertpretzlman account for this comment.)

[hubertpretzlman.livejournal.com]

Should've, but couldn't remember what vowel I'd left out to account for the character limit on usernames. XD

[tj-teejay.livejournal.com]

Well, there you go.

[leighta.livejournal.com]

*snickers*
Hubert Pretzelman... That's just cruel.

[tj-teejay.livejournal.com]

I know! But still, I couldn't resist.

[wyncatastrophe.livejournal.com]

Having witnessed some speech training, I especially loved the last line. But the whole thing is just too cute. :)

[tj-teejay.livejournal.com]

Hehe, thanks.

[hoosierbitch.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Heeeeeeeeee. I've totally slipped in "Neal's not his real name" comments into a bunch of stories, and now whenever I reread them, I'm just going to be thinking "heehee Hubert."

:D

[tj-teejay.livejournal.com]

LOL! That's great. Yeah, Hubert is da man!

[doctor-fangeek.livejournal.com]

I read the original drabble, but somehow missed this one when you posted it. Hilarious, but with nice little details - love everyone's reactions, and Jones' line about it being "very 20's," and Neal's explanation of where Neal Caffrey comes from. Too fun.

[tj-teejay.livejournal.com]

Haha, glad you found it. The part about the name being very 20's was actually afiawri's idea. :o)

[ladydragoness.livejournal.com]

I had a passing thought one day about his real name. Thinking that the initials N.C. might be valid, and his real name being dorky... I came up with Nelson Cagles. First two letters of each first and last names are the same. NEal/NElson CAffrey/CAgles.

I was probably over thinking that. Anyway, these stories are really funny.

[tj-teejay.livejournal.com]

Nelson Cagles is a good one too, but in the grand scheme of things, not all that dorky. ;o) Thanks for your comment, the Hubert Pretzelman excursions were real fun because usually I'm more into the heavy stuff.

[thejunebug121.livejournal.com]

SSSQQUUUEEEEEEEE!!!! Love the last bit! Oh, your just brilliant. And the name...Hubert Pretzelman...awesome...
I loved it!

[china_shop]

*DIES* SO AWESOME!!!!